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Eroan
After near a dozen almost entirely sleepless nights, achieving only 3 to 4 broken hours during each rest on a good night, Eroan finally admits to himself that he needs to ask someone for help. Adverse to the idea of taking anything that will effect his mind again, he waits to talk to Nero. As he has been since his nightmare, he also avoids Flynt. Instead, he approaches Bentley with his head down. "Hey...Can I ask you something?" "Mm?" Bentley perks up, jolted out of being lost in thought. "Sorry, I was... What's up, mate?" His exhausted state being a little less than tactful, he unceremoniously drops himself into a sitting position on the ground next to to Bentley with a *whump*, and kicks his legs straight out in front of himself like a child. He still doesn't make eye contact, though. "Do you ever have nightmares?" "More than I'd like. Lately, anyway. Gettin' sick of Krull makin' fun of me for kickin' about." Eroan tilts his head to the side, frowning a little and looking toward Bentley with a questioning expression, but can't bring himself to ask about them out loud. Instead, he asks, "How do you make yourself sleep through them? How can you make yourself sleep at all when you know they're waiting for you?" "Because those dreams... Even the bad ones... They're the only times I remember things from before..." Bentley gestures to his general self. "Y'know. It's just images, mostly. Sounds. Smells. Feelings, more than anything. Raw terror like I don't even think I'm capable of anymore, but also the purest joy I can think of. And I can't even remember why. I just know I'd rather feel something, anything. It's the nothing I'm afraid of." At the response, Eroan is thoroughly confused, even moreso because of his lack of sleep. "In that aspect, I suppose, we are opposites, but I am glad if they help you. I'm sorry to have interrupted you." He slowly begins to pull himself back to his feet, very wobbly at first, but eventually finding his balance. Bentley jumps to his feet to catch Eroan. "You didn't interrupt nothin'. Well, nothin' useful. And I get the feeling you didn't come over here to talk about my dog dreams." Bentley levels a look of sad honesty on his friend. "You can still talk to me. I haven't lost that yet." Instead of responding to the mildly probing statement, Eroan furrows his brows again and deflects for the time being, concern written over his weary fearures. "Lost what? Yet?" "My purpose." Bentley sighs deeply, meditatively. "I'm sorry I haven't been a good friend lately. Things have been so murky since I came back and... I want you to know. It has nothing to do with you. Or any of the group. No matter what happens, I'll always be a part of this family. I'll always... I'll always come back." Eroan sighs as well and takes his weight off of Bentley, scrubbing at his eyes in a mixture of tiredness and mild frustration. "You calling yourself a bad friend is the dumbest thing I've heard since Taneyl told me he-- " Eroan immediately freezes at his slip of the tongue. Quickly, he shakes himself and clears his throat before he resumes speaking. As he does, he fidgets with his hair, running his hands through it and loosening the ties and braids he has in it. "Uh...I...I-It's dumb. Just because you're going through a rough patch doesn't mean you're a bad friend...And, for once, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. I heard you speaking with Badgeforth when we first fled Sandholm..." "Oh. That's.... Embarrassing. But lookin' back not entirely surprising. So you know. That I'm... Y'know." Bentley scratches behind his ear, averting his eyes for a moment. "I just feel wrong. Even though I know it's right. You, me, and Flynt, we're brothers now. We feel what each other feels. Ain't got no say in that. And I've been sourin' the pot ever since I got back. I don't want that on you. Feels like the least I can do is explain why, and make sure you know that it's... It's just something I have to do. To be able to give everything I can to this family. And to this fight." He takes Eroan by the shoulders, looking him straight in the eyes. "But I'll always be here for you. Even when I'm not." "As I will be for you," Eroan replies, his reluctance for eye contact lessening due to his current state, but still having to fight himself to sustain it as he mirrors Bentley's hold on him. "I understand why you feel the need to do this, the draw. But I need you to understand that your change in attitude is not something we hold against you. Any of us. Your past may have involved being a dog, but dog or human, you're not a pup with boundless positive energy anymore and no one expects you to act like one consistently. And that's okay. Anyone with even a shred of empathy knows that everyone goes through bad spots. You're not putting anything on my shoulders that I wasn't prepared for." Eroan pauses and curls his gloved fingers in to shield his palms before pressing the flats of the backs of his knuckles against Bentley's cheeks, then continues. "We all trust you. If you feel this is what's best for yourself, then you have to do it...But I will hold you to your promise of always coming back. If we find out that something has happened to you, you're going to get a rather large welcoming party to bring you back, as you've seen in the past..But know this, also..." A small smirk tugs at the corners of his lips. "...If you disappear without warning again, I'm going to kick your ass for it when you get back." Bentley laughs in a short, explosive burst. "Ay, now, that first one doesn't count. I was fairynapped! Really, though. I'm doing this because it's the best time for it. The group is bigger and stronger than ever. We take comfort in each other. All of us. And if being gone for a while means coming back stronger, ready to protect my family and our home, then I know it has to be worth it. Right?" He smiles for a moment, then lets his face fall back to serious concern. "So. What's all this about nightmares then?" "You were...fairynapped, yes. But that's exactly why, at least a warning...? Just so we know that you left on your own terms this time. And I suppose I can't argue with your reasoning." At the mention of his original reason for the conversation, all traces of humor flee from Eroan's features. He looks down again and resumes fidgeting with his hair, twisting small braids into the top to resist the urge to cover his face. "Oh, that...I-I've just been having some trouble sleeping lately. I have nightmares almost nightly anyway; those I've gotten used to. But never like this. And this one keeps coming back...I don't know how to stop it...I thought maybe you...?" "I remember when I killed Kagnus. The first time, I mean. Every night I felt his bones crack in my hands. Heard the people of Sandholm cheering for me as they strung up his corpse. It was, uh... Well, it didn't bother me much when I was doin' it. It was the nightmares that changed my mind. I feel everything, Er. All the time. Maybe that's not what you want to hear, but it's what I do. I bury myself in the pain of it. Mull over it until it my brain goes numb and my spirit shivers inside. I need to process what my heart is trying to tell me." "That's what worries me..." Eroan confides, casting a glance in Flynt's direction for a moment before returning his attention to Bentley. "My mind has gone numb to the things I've done in the past, for the most part. I still relive things in my dreams, still see the faces of all those who've fallen beneath my blade and still feel disgust at myself for my actions. I take comfort in that, though, because that disgust means that my conscience is still kicking around in there somewhere, despite it all. But this..." Eroan shakes his head. "This isn't that. This is something far more terrifying..." Bentley gestures to his own ears, waiting to hear more. Eroan looks like he's about ready to bolt. He stops playing with his hair and switches to his gloves, almost violently tugging at them. He drops his head low and watches himself fidget. "...What...What you did to Kagnus..." Eroan pauses for a beat, then grits his teeth and forces himself to continue speaking. "...In my dream...I did that to Flynt...I could feel his windpipe collapse under my hands and I laughed as he struggled against me and fought to breathe and I liked it, Bentley...In the dream, I couldn't get enough of it...And it was all for HIS approval...Flynt had tried to save me from Him and I repaid him by getting off on killing him...And that fucking eye He's got jammed into His skull now...I see it every time I close my eyes..." Eroan has wrapped his arms around himself and collapsed back down into a sitting position onto the floor, shaking vigorously. "It won't go away...What does that say about me, Bentley? That I dream about reveling in killing one of my own?" Bentley plops down on the floor, almost casually. "Do you want to kill Flynt?" Eroan shakes his head, looking, for all the world, like a small, scared child, despite his height. "I don't...But He's made me do things before...I don't know what else He could make me do with that eye..." "Me neither. Any more than I know what that fairy wanted with my power. Doesn't change nothin'. We fight it all together. We keep not knowin' stuff together. But I know this. The Eroan who could do those things? He's not here. He got squished by a big demon." "That's what Flynt's told me..." Eroan mumbles. "But, would you fight me?" Eroan asks, genuinely curious, looking up at Bentley with large eyes, his irises still extremely dark which gives him a bit of a spooky expression. "I'm not going to ask you to kill me, but if I become a threat beyond my own control, would you neutralize me?" "I'd whack you over the head and put you in a cage or somethin'. 'Til we could find a way to bring you back. But if neutralize means kill? No. I wouldn't. Not unless I knew I couldn't get you back. Maybe not even then."